The Strength We Carry

What It Feels Like to Be a Therapist on the Inside
By Angela M Carter, IFS Therapist

Every time I sit across from a client, something quiet happens inside me.

Before a word is spoken, before the session officially begins, I pause. I turn inward. I check.

Is there a part of me that is anxious?
Is there a part that wants to prove itself?
Is there a part that feels personally activated by what I know might come into the room?

This is the internal discipline of being an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist. We do not just hold space for others. We hold space for our own inner systems, constantly, gently, in real time.

On the outside, I may appear calm, grounded, and present. But that presence is not a given. It is a practice. A moment-by-moment choice to meet my own internal world first, so I can lead from Self and not from my parts.

Behind the Role Is a Whole System

Therapists are often perceived as having it all together. Because we guide others through their pain, people assume we have already resolved our own. But we do not come into the room as a blank slate. We arrive as complex beings with parts, histories, patterns, and nervous systems that are very much alive.

In IFS, we recognise that every therapist carries a full inner family. Some parts are confident, attuned, and professional. Others are tender, reactive, or tired. Before and during every session, I am checking for those parts. I am asking, “Can you step back a little so I can be in Self?” or “What do you need from me before we meet this client?”

This internal process is not a distraction from the work. It is the work. As IFS founder Dr. Richard Schwartz has taught, the therapist’s Self is the most powerful healing presence in the room, not their knowledge or their training, but their ability to lead from calm, curiosity, clarity, and compassion (Schwartz, 2021).

The Invisible Emotional Labour

What people see is the holding. What they often do not see is the effort behind that holding. The careful internal attunement required to stay present without becoming enmeshed. The discernment it takes to notice a triggered part and not let it lead.

This is the invisible labour of healing professionals. Dr. Elizabeth Holloway, in her research on therapist resilience, refers to this as “empathic strain”, the taxing internal work that comes from deeply attuning to others while also managing one’s own psychological material (Holloway & Carroll, 1997).

When we, as therapists, are not given space to care for our own systems, internally and externally, we risk slipping into what Maslach and Jackson described as emotional exhaustion, a central feature of burnout in the helping professions (Maslach & Jackson, 1981).

Self-leadership is the antidote. It is the way we protect not only our clients, but also ourselves. We cannot invite our clients to be with their parts if we are not in relationship with our own.

The Assumptions That Hurt

Clients often see our steadiness and assume we are not hurting. Colleagues may assume we are fine because we are experienced. Friends may think we know how to manage our emotions at all times.

There is a part of me that has wanted to live up to those assumptions. It is the part that values integrity, presence, and trustworthiness. But there is also a quieter part that sometimes just wants to be seen not for my role, but for my humanity.

Dr. Laura S. Brown, a feminist therapist and trauma researcher, writes about the "impossible professionalism" that often burdens therapists, especially women. It is the internalised belief that to be worthy of trust, we must never falter. This creates an unsafe inner culture where vulnerability becomes a liability rather than a necessity (Brown, 2008).

But I have learned that when I ignore my own inner world to perform strength, I am no longer self-led. I am being led by a protector part trying to maintain an image of stability. And that image, while well-intentioned, can become a cage.

What Strength Really Looks Like

True strength as a therapist is not the absence of parts. It is the willingness to be in relationship with them.

It is the moment before a session when I notice a concerned part and say, “Thank you, I hear you. I’ve got this.”
It is the mid-session check-in when I feel a rising energy in my chest and gently remind that part to soften so Self can return.
It is the commitment to return to myself again and again so I do not make the session about me, even when my own story echoes in the background.

This is what IFS has given me, not a blueprint for perfection, but a framework for self-honesty.

The Strength to Ask for Support

One of the most radical things a therapist can do is seek support. Whether that is through supervision, therapy, or simply sitting with a trusted peer and saying, “I need a moment to be the one who is held.”

As Dr. Bonnie Badenoch reminds us in her work on relational neuroscience, co-regulation is not optional. Even therapists need safe others to help them come back into a state of balance and internal connection (Badenoch, 2018).

When I tend to my system with the same compassion I offer others, I am not failing. I am embodying the very model of healing I believe in.

What I Wish People Knew

If you are a client reading this, please know that your therapist is doing their own deep work, often quietly, consistently, and with great care. Their ability to sit with you is not because they have no wounds, but because they are tending to them daily.

And if you are a fellow therapist, I hope this reminds you that you are not meant to be untouched by this work. You are meant to be in it, with your whole system, with your whole heart.

You are not weak for checking your parts. You are responsible.
You are not indulgent for taking breaks. You are wise.
You are not broken when you feel the cost of this work. You are deeply, beautifully human.

Holding the Inner World While Showing Up in the Outer One

Every time I show up for someone else, I must first return to myself. Not to control my emotions, but to befriend them. Not to silence my parts, but to listen to them, and lead.

The steadiness you see on the outside is not perfection. It is the result of a thousand micro-adjustments inside me. Each one made in service of being able to meet another human soul with clarity, compassion, and care.

That is what it means to be a therapist in this model. We do not just offer healing. We live it, session by session, one part at a time.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls, 

Angela xox 

References

• Badenoch, B. (2018). The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships. Norton Professional Books.

• Brown, L. S. (2008). Cultural Competence in Trauma Therapy: Beyond the Flashback. American Psychological Association.

• Holloway, E. L., & Carroll, M. (1997). Training counsellors to be supervisors: A manual for faculty and trainers. Sage Publications.

• Maslach, C., & Jackson, S. E. (1981). The measurement of experienced burnout. Journal of Occupational Behavior, 2(2), 99–113.

• Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.