Why Change Is Hard

Understanding Inner Polarisation Through the IFS Lens

Change is often romanticised as a bold leap forward, a courageous decision to grow, or a fresh start. Yet in practice, change is rarely simple. It can stir confusion, anxiety, resistance, and a surprising sense of paralysis. Even when a person feels certain they want to change, they may still find themselves unable to take the steps needed. This internal hesitation is not a flaw of character, it is a reflection of inner conflict.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model offers a profound framework for understanding this experience. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS is grounded in the idea that the mind is naturally multiple, composed of distinct subpersonalities or “parts,” each with its own perspective, emotions, and motivations (Schwartz, 2001). When a person considers making a significant life change, it is not just one voice inside that responds. It is often many, and they do not always agree.

The Reality of Inner Polarisation

In IFS, polarisation refers to a dynamic where parts take opposing roles in an effort to protect the individual. However, this is not always a simple one-part-versus-one-part conflict. More often, there are two full teams of parts, each aligned with a different survival strategy, competing to steer the system. These parts are not problematic or pathological. They are adaptive and protective, formed in response to earlier experiences that taught them what is required to stay safe, accepted, or in control.

For instance, consider someone who is contemplating leaving a long-term but emotionally unfulfilling career. One team of parts may advocate for leaving, feeling inspired by the prospect of freedom and purpose. These might include:

• A visionary part, carrying the desire for creative expression and impact

• A protective part that sees the toll of burnout and wants to preserve wellbeing

• An inner child part, still longing for a life that feels joyful and self-directed

The opposing team may feel equally invested in protecting the person from perceived risk. These parts may include:

• An anxious part that worries about financial security

• A perfectionist part that insists on being fully prepared before acting

• A loyal part that feels responsible for colleagues or clients

• A fearful part that associates visibility with vulnerability and potential harm

This internal tug-of-war is not indecision. It is a sign of complexity. Both teams are doing their best to help the system survive, based on the roles they have taken on, often since early life. The deeper the perceived risk, the louder and more urgent the conflict may become.

Why the System Resists Change

From an IFS perspective, all parts exist to protect exiles, those vulnerable, wounded parts of us that carry unresolved pain or unmet needs. Any potential change that threatens to activate this pain will likely be blocked or managed by protector parts. So even a seemingly positive change, such as pursuing a dream or setting a healthy boundary, may be internally experienced as a threat if it risks triggering feelings of shame, rejection, failure, or abandonment.

As Bessel van der Kolk (2014) notes, the body and mind are shaped by what has happened to us. Our internal system is not resisting change because it is irrational or self-sabotaging, but because it is wired for survival. Without the leadership of Self, the calm, connected, compassionate centre that can hold space for all parts, polarisation can take over. We may experience this as internal chaos, paralysis, overthinking, or chronic procrastination.

The Role of Self-Leadership in Transformation

Healing, in the IFS model, is not about choosing one team over the other. It is about helping each part feel seen, understood, and less extreme in its role. When all parts trust that Self is present and capable, they begin to soften. They no longer need to argue or dominate. Instead, the internal system moves into a state of harmony, where decisions arise from clarity rather than conflict.

This shift requires time, patience, and compassionate inner attention. As therapists, we support clients not by pushing them to “just change,” but by helping them develop relationships with their parts, understand the protective intentions behind resistance, and access Self-energy as a trusted inner leader.

Moving Forward with Compassion

If you find yourself struggling to make a change, consider that your system may be in polarisation. Rather than forcing movement, pause. Get curious. Notice which parts want change and which parts are afraid. Ask each one what it is afraid might happen. What is it trying to protect?

Change does not come from silencing resistance. It comes from honouring it.

And as the system learns to trust itself, through compassionate attention and inner collaboration—change becomes not only possible, but sustainable.

In abundant love and kindness for all gentle souls, 

Angela xox

References

• Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.

• Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.